A little guide to becoming the coolest thing on campus...

in honor of my best friend, and Co-President of the Tappa Kegga Sorority, who I am flying out to visit this weekend, I have decided to post guidelines on how to be the coolest sorority girl possible. This list was created years ago by students at Bucknell University, but I have always kept a laminated copy in my bedside table to serve as a quick reference guide so I too can always live up to my full sorority girl potential.

However, don’t fret gentlemen! I have also posted the guidelines for becoming the best frat guy you can be. I know Kyle, President of Shotguna Omega (brother fraternity of Tappa Kegga) lives by these rules and he is super cool so they must work. Totally.

Finally, if you are totally inspired by these guidelines and feel compelled to join Tappa Kegga, please contact me. I am actually the Social Director but can put you in touch with Stevie, the Rush Chair. Sure, we only have two members – but they are the two damn coolest members ever. You know you want to join. And until my return to the blogging world on Tuesday, ladies please practice your mating call (Rule #20) and boys, please practice your new catch phrases (Rule #8).

The Sorority Girl

First off, you have to join a Sorority. Obviously.

Next, follow these easy steps and you'll be the coolest.

1. Purchase or make several Greek lettered shirts. They are all the rage, everyone wishes they had one.

2. Never let anyone call you a "slut," but at the same time, make sure you sleep with lots of boys. Obvi.

3. The first thing you should do every morning is walk home. It's not the "Walk of Shame" ladies, it's the "Stride of Pride!"

4. Don't forget, you're very similar to a camel... eating isn't a necessary daily activity. I'm just going to eat this celery.

5. You must have a strong hatred for freshman girls. It's okay, they all loooove you.

6. You have to pay outrageous dues for sorority membership. Don't worry, you'll get cool t-shirts.

7. Remember this line: "Excuse me, but you wouldn't happen to have anything low carb? This beer will go straight to my ass."

8. Never drink beer in large quantities. However, you are encouraged to drink "jungle juice" until you can't feel feelings.

9. Glitter must be applied in half pound increments. God, glitter is so hot right now.

10. Scream your sorority's cheers as loud as you can. Spirit fingers girls! Spirit fingers!

11. Take a pop music song and change the words to reflect your sorority's coolness and dominance.

12. Get yourself a "24 hour key" to the local tanning place in town. Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like skin cancer.

13. If you must eat, your diet can only consist of: salad, fresh fruit, chocolate, cigarettes and bottled water.

14. Place your Greek letters somewhere on your AOL Instant Messenger buddy profile. Color coordination is preferred, but exceptions can totally be made with respect to holiday color schemes.

15. In preparation for rush: 1) Buy some cute new outfits. 2) Get your hair styled & highlighted. 3) Whiten your teeth.

16. No matter the number of fraternities on campus, your sorority is only cool enough to mix with a select few.

17. Class is not a place to learn. Rather, it's a place to make your Greek presence felt.

18. Don't worry about getting any STDs silly... you're on birth control. Public Enemy #1: Venereal Diseases

19. The biggest question in your life should be Tanning vs. Bronzer? But don't worry too much. You can just use both.

20. Your new mating call will go like this, "I'm soooooo drunk... God, I'm sooooo drunk."

21. If ever verbally or physically confronted by a girl from another sorority, simply say, "Bitch, my boyfriend's fraternity could kick your boyfriend's fraternity's ass."

22. Master the art of Instant Messenger; it will become your livelihood.

23. If you're cell phone goes off in class just tell your Professor that you're in a sorority.

24. Go to the gym more than any varsity athlete. Side note: Totally wear you Greek letters and makeup whenever you work out

25. During rush, Don't bother to actually get to know the Rushees, a 5 minute conversation will do. Added points for cute shoes.

If you're not a Sorority Girl, you're just... you're just... UGLY! ... and FAT! I'm so prettier than you... Bitch.

The Fraternity Guy

Dude, first off, you have to join a Fraternity.

Next, follow these easy steps and you'll be the coolest.

1. Firstly, and most importantly, your fraternity comes before your schoolwork, your family, your girlfriend and your health.

2. Never date a girl, just hook up with lots of them. There's no reason to commit when freshmen girls throw themselves at you; they are classic frat guy hook ups. If you must date, she better be in a god damn sorority. And she better be hot.

3. Live in filth. Dirtiness is next to Godliness.

4. Beer will become your aphrodisiac, your study aid, your inhibition modulator and your anger management counselor.

5. You must have a strong hatred for any dude not in a Frat. They wish they were you. They're just jealous of your superiority.

6. Don't bother yourself with pricy imports; piss beer will do the trick. $10 bucks for a 30 pack? Now that's sweet.

7. Fighting with other Greek members and independents is encouraged. Your frat must have that one token badass dude who will throw done whenever, wherever. If you aren't the fighting type, talk as much shit as humanly possible. References to the other dude's girlfriend are so clutch.

8. Add these Frat guy phrases into your vocabulary: Dude, College, Party! & Man. Dude, let's party! This is so sweet man. COLLEGE RULES!

9. Purchase the following key articles of Frat guy clothing: Pre-faded or "blasted" jeans, a baseball cap (preferably fake-worn), old school sneakers or Rainbow sandals, several collared shirts, and anything that has Abercrombie, J.Crew, or Polo written on it.

10. The party doesn't stop until every keg is finished. You can party harder and longer than anyone else. You are an animal.

11. Listen to such music as: DMB, Jimmy Buffet, MTV Raps, Classic Rock & 80s Music

12. Make sure your fraternity is involved in countless hours of philanthropy. Hahahaha. Sorry, no really man, charity is cool. Yeh.

13. Try to not go to class. If you must go, sleep in class. Understand, in no circumstance should you offer any intelligent insight towards the class discussion. The real world? Don't sweat it, you will get hooked up with a dope job from an alumni dude.

14. If for some reason you don't have a date to a Fraternity formal or date party, try the ever popular "cattle call." Basically, the first girl that walks by, you have to invite, even if she's busted. Fat girls need lovin' too... except they have to pay for it.

15. Get yourself a fratastic nickname. In most cases, your last name will fit the bill, however if you have a cool frat story that you can derive a name from, use that.

16. No matter the number of sororities on campus, your fraternity is only cool enough to mix with a select few. 17. Drinking games will become your purpose in life. You must train countless hours to live up to your competing potential. No matter what anyone says, you are the best beer pong player the game has ever seen.

18. There's nothing wrong with picking up a few STDs... Take one for the team, let your Brothers know what skanks they should steer clear of. Venereal Diseases aren't as bad you would think.

19. Here's a great frat guy pickup line, "Umm, you want to go take shots in my room?" Dude, you're so gonna score.

20. Video games rock. It doesn't matter if you spend hours a day playing, as long as you are the ultimate frat guy gamer.

21. Slight downside, you might have to pay some hefty social dues. Don't worry, your liver will thank you in 20 years.

22. Regardless if you have a learning disability or not, take tons of "meds" like Ritalin and Adderall to do work. Blow 'em if ya got 'em.

23. No matter how cool you personally were before joining a frat, you are now ten times cooler by becoming a frat guy.

If you're not a Frat Guy, you're just... what's the word... Dude, you are so worthless.