"This jacket is dry clean only. Which means .... it's dirty."
- Mitch Hedberg

To kick the weekend on a good note, I have decided to post some of my favorite jokes from comedian Mitch Hedberg. (Mitchell Hedberg, February 24, 1968 – March 29, 2005, was an American stand-up comedian known for his odd subject matter, stylistic elocution and memorable routines that often consisted of a string of one-line non sequiturs. For more information on Mitch, click here or visit his official website.)

I am clocking out soon and headed out to find as much trouble I can find. I am feeling mischievous. My ideal plan for this weekend: to steal a police car and turn on the siren so children can dance to its happy tune. Or to rent Hard Candy from Blockbuster and eat Gummi Bears. Either option sounds equally as good.

Anyway, onto the jokes!

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know? I'm like, "Hey, wait, come back. Let me hold one of you... and feed you a leaf."

I was at the lake and I saw this seagull, so I walked up to it and said, "It's okay, I won't tell anybody."

I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce on it," which she did. She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"

I don't wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop. "Hey, how the fuck did he do that?" "In Hollywood it's all who you know, and I know Crackle."

All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!...And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown. He attracts too many children."

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrenes, party of two. Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrenes, party of two, Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Busch, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You people are selfish... the Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Busch, search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes.

They say Diet Dr Pepper tastes just like regular Dr Pepper. Well, then, they fucked up!

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I want to be a race car passenger—just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep going in circles? Can I stick my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide."

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly.

Dr. Scholl is a doctor, which means he spent nine years in med school. That man wasted his time. It took him nine years to learn that cushions make shoes comfortable. I would have bought that shit from a Mr. Scholl. Maybe even a Señor Scholl.

Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a woman, but this can backfire because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with, but now it's been cheapened... "We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let's keep on givin'." "Remember that song, baby? The night I fucked you in the pet cemetery?"

I saw a commercial that said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers!" ... So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion... Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six. At least."

In my house I have a sliding glass door, and on it is a sticker that says "Warning: Alarm System". And it's a pretty simple alarm system, consisting of... a sticker.

And my personal favorite…

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."