Tuesday, October 31, 2006

bad mood be gone!

I am still waiting on the pictures from the bar Friday night so I have no pictures of the sexy plumber costume to post quite yet. Hopefully soon… and by soon, I mean tomorrow. Especially now because the build up is getting huge and the actual costume will inevitable be a let down; nothing can compare to the costume built in your imagination after days of anticipation. (and yes, I flatter myself in thinking that not only are you dying to see pictures of me in a costume, but that you have built up days of anticipation!)

In the meantime, I am still in that damn funk. Thought it would go away by last night; guess not yet. My pity party is better, just not completely over. (But let’s just say it should end soon as the guest list is still just one and I doubt many others will join anytime soon.) However, I love Halloween costumes and tonight I will be handing out candy to little trick-or-treaters! I can’t wait! This will be my first night doing this since every Halloween in the past I have been out living it up. I am sure the adorable costumes will make my heart melt. Besides, I plan on throwing on a scary movie afterwards and curling up on the couch; fun should be had by all! Bad mood be gone!

So to cheer me up, I re-read an awesome post from Stephanie Klein’s blog, Greek Tragedy. I think the advice is pretty great and humorous which helps inspire and motivate me… as well as make me laugh. Instead of wallowing in my blah mood, I might as well read positive things to help drag me out of it.

Enjoy and of course, Happy Halloween!

“I was sitting here wondering what would I say, if I could, to my younger self. You know, if we went for drinks at a Mexican joint and I began a sentence with, "Okay, there's something you should know..." what would follow? See, it's easy to tent a blanket of "don't take life so seriously" on it, but that's like telling someone to "just relax." The words are there, we hear them, but they don't make us feel any differently. It's too easy. It's lazy advice. Here's what's harder to say:

Keep a diary. And when you write in it, try not to dot your i's with hearts or fat little circles. Try to write about something other than the opposite sex or the fights you have with friends. I wish I knew, when I was younger, to write about the good in my friendships and family, to document the loving moments. Write about your relationship with your cousins, with your grandfather, with your parents. I need to take this advise now, too.

Nobody cares if you bite your nails. No guy is going to notice what shoes you're wearing, and if he does, he's the wrong guy.

You actually look beautiful, and can leave the house, without makeup.

Learn how to keep track of your spending and realize no amount of shopping will give you real self-esteem. Even the have-to-have handbag or shoes. But, it's okay to like nice things. Don't be too hard on yourself for buying into consumerism. There are worse things.

Be kinder. Try to treat people as if it's your last interaction, but at the same time, care less, a lot less, about what other people think. Read that again. Stop caring what other people think. How? Understand that this is your life, not theirs, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself if things don't work out the way you'd hoped. At a certain point, you have to stop pointing fingers behind you toward your childhood. You cannot be walking around worried about what people will think of you. At the end of the day, all that really matters is what YOU think of you. Even if people say great things. Horrible things. Their opinion shouldn't matter more than your own.

Don't worry about appearing braggy or narcissistic. It's called having self-esteem, valuing yourself enough to think people might care about what you have to say. Don't be ashamed about anything because all our embarrassments are part of the human condition.

Don't play music on your outgoing answering machine message. I know you think it sounds good and everyone else does it. Don't do that.


Rich relationships are a product of who you are, not where you are. You'll make friendships anywhere you go, so stop worrying about the right places, schools, cities, apartment complexes, neighborhoods.

Whatever decision you're worried about, right now, whether you should do this or that, however important it feels to you, just stop. Look Up. Remember, when you're feeling like shit, to just step away from it, for fifteen minutes and just try, TRY, to enjoy the view. Yeah, the stars shine bright deep in the heart of Texas, but I've preached this before. Now that I'm in, what I consider to be, the 'burbs, I never think, "I wish I were living in the city." But when I lived in Manhattan, I always wished for stars, stairs, and a view. So look up wherever you are and realize a world goes on outside your dramas. Really, all of it will pass, will be worked out.

Don't be afraid of making mistakes. I'm not saying to discount the consequences of your actions, but try to worry less about choosing wrong. We weigh ourselves down in it. Second-guessing ourselves. Don't be afraid of making mistakes because, really, you learn so much when you risk. So really, it's never a mistake. Unless it involves wearing the color orange or anything to do with a hat. These are usually mistakes best to avoid.

Ditch negative people. Don't keep them around because you feel guilty. Hold onto your strong female friends, even if you've had a pissy fight. They're really important.

I wouldn't tell my younger self to listen more, or to be compassionate as well as passionate. I think I knew those things then. Yeah, yeah, live in the moment, in the now. I already knew that. Heard and knew the words. That's not something I needed to hear, and it's still not. I would have liked to have known that the truly big moments aren't as important as the smaller quiet ones. The sidelines matter more. When traveling, I'm never impressed by the main attraction; I remember, more, the smaller moments, the little girl, when I was in Madrid, dressed in "her Sundays." She saw me watching her walk by as I sat on a bench. She kept turning to look at me. I remember those moments most. "Keep paying attention to the smaller things," I would say. "That's where the good stuff is."

Don't be so damn hard on yourself. Yeah, you screwed up. You're not perfect, fine. Learn from it. But don't punish yourself. Be kind to you, even when you screw up. You'll bounce back eventually. You'll make up for it.

You are not fat. You are within a healthy weight range. As long as your doctor isn't talking to you about health risks, you are not fat. Even if your fat pants no longer fit. Try, as hard as it is, to realize how good you look now. Here's what I've learned. When I'm a size four, I'm usually miserable and anxious. Then, at a size ten, I'm happy in my life (miserable that I cannot fit into my wardrobe, but actually happy in my life), but as happy as I am, I long to be the miserable size four again. It's lame-ass behavior. Stop worrying about it. Your weight issues aren't going away, so just deal and learn to love yourself at whateverthehell size you are. Just deal.

The man should love the woman just a smidge more. Many wise woman I know have told me this (after the fact). I wish someone had said it to me once upon a time. I would have listened. Life is too short to learn everything the hard way. At some point, it helps to listen. Yes, you have to experience some things for yourself, but the things I'm saying here, and especially if I had a "back to the future moment," and it was coming from ME, I absolutely would have listened and reacted... at least while it was top of mind. I hope to look back on this one day and just add to it. I hope to keep this list top of mind, too. Especially the bit about writing about the good. As for the man loving the woman more bit, I've been in relationships where I just *knew* I loved him more... and in relationships where I totally just *knew* he loved me a little more... I still loved him completely, but knew, I guess, that he adored me and would never do anything to screw things up.

Don't cling to what you know. Holy shit. This would have saved me some therapy. Push your boundaries, explore; don't rely on the familiar. Move. Make new friends. Go out alone, and don't be afraid of what others think about it. No one else is just like you, and you, just as you are, are important. I wish I knew and believed that then. Much more important that sunblock. Okay, just as important, anyway.

Compliment people. When people receive a compliment studies have shown that their blood pressure is actually lowered. People are immediately set at ease.

Accept compliments graciously. Don't pull the old, "oh stop," or "ew, no I don't." Don't roll your eyes. Take it in, and really accept it. Shake your head and respond with a heartfelt, "thank you."

Get a pet. You live longer and happier when you can care for it properly. When you're older, you tend to live longer if you have a pet. It's an activity; something is relying on you. You matter, even when the kids are too busy. They also lower your blood pressure.

When you feel blue, have a "self-esteem" music mix at the ready to lift your mood. Then force yourself to take a walk, wear the anxiety tired.

Eat three meals a day. Try not to snack. I don't care what you've heard about grazing and blood sugar. You know you and the way you can't stop once you start. Stick to three hots.

Realize your life is not like the movies. It's not supposed to be a Mark Ruffalo film.

Pointing out how the fake MIT Sunscreen speech of Vonnegut did it better? Better re-read the title and figure out the author is doing more than "internalizing things;" she's tipping her proverbial hat. Not a case of sloppy seconds, thank you very much. Again, try not to expect the worst from people.”

Monday, October 30, 2006

anyone else want to join my monday pity party?

First off, the Halloween festivities were wonderful and the sexy plumber was a hit! Although I decided to carry a camera around the entire evening (okay, more like I forced Brian too!), we only took three pictures. Not cool on my part, not cool at all. The only good part about this is that our friends were smart enough to take pictures all night and I hope to receive a link to them soon. Once that is task is accomplished, I will not only post the pictures but detail out the evening… so you too can feel as if you were a part of the Alabama party! I hope to do this tomorrow, or Wednesday at the latest.

Today is a Monday in every sense of the stereotype. To be honest, I do have to cut Monday a little slack – it isn’t all it’s fault. I went to bed in a funk last night. I woke up in funk. Here I sit watching the clock, typing this blog, avoiding actual responsibilities at work in that same damn funk. I have tried the seemingly fool proof measures to drag myself out of this pity party: crack open a caffeinated beverage, listening to my ipod, running on my lunch break, calling up friends to vent, eating chocolate Halloween shaped Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, etc. (By the way, has anyone else noticed how holiday shaped candies always taste better than the originals?!) Yet, none of it worked and here I sit wallowing in a funk I can’t shake.

At least it isn’t one of those perpetual bad moods that seem to show up with no warning and bring you to tears for absolutely no reason. Those are the worst; you don’t even know why life seems to have stopped you in your tracks and brought you to your knees. You want to skip out on work, rush home to throw on sweats, and pull covers up over head wishing to start the day all over again with no real discernable reason why. Sure, those days are worse because you actually feel guilty for wallowing in such a funk with no excuse for your behavior; it’s like you are taking crazy pills. I know why I am in this mood but am not sure where to go from here.

It is one of those situations where it isn’t one specific’s person’s fault. No one is truly to blame. And there isn’t one specific instance that has even caused this mood; little things I have been brushing aside and trying to move past seemed to have finally stacked up. That stack is suffocating me and finally it has come to a head today. I am trying to push that stack over, stomp all the problems around, and sit on top of the ruble, drinking a beer, and laughing at how insignificant all those problems really are. Screw a pity party; I want to throw a real party and move on! I want to actually ‘get over’ things; why am I letting insignificant situations pile up and bog me down?

Yet, I still sit here in my funk. I am not trying to hide anything from the people close in my life; I would like to tell anyone who dared to ask why I am in this mood – but I can not seem to put it into words. I wouldn’t even to know where to start. Besides that, I really feel everything that is weighing me down is so silly that I should have moved past it all days ago, weeks ago. In the grand scheme of relationships, friendships, in life itself, this all seems so insignificant. Why is it pulling me under?

Like I always tell my little puppy, “Life as Scruffles isn’t that hard.” When he has to take a bath or get his belly brushed, he pouts. When I won’t feed him another piece of marinated chicken, milk bone, or strip of bacon, he pouts. When I won’t stay home from work to play with him all day, he pouts. When I have finally had enough, I will look at him and say, “Stop whining. Life as Scruffles isn’t that hard. All day you eat, sleep, and play. You are spoiled rotten. Suck it up and quite pouting.” Although most people are skeptical, I am sure he understands. It usually get’s him to stop the pouting and his little ears perk back up as he scampers off to find something else to be mischievous about. And that is what I feel I need to tell myself today, “Life as Adrianne isn’t that hard. Suck it up and quite pouting.”

If that isn’t motivating enough, I can always throw in Dane Cook’s father’s quote too: “No one in this world cares if you cry. So take off your dress and end this little tea party.” It may be harsh, but sometimes that is exactly what a stubborn girl like me needs. That and it’s funny as hell; I can slightly imagine my dad saying the same thing to me.

So here I sit… still in my funk. But I am finishing up my last cup of tea and going to excuse myself from this party soon. Wallowing is doing me no good. I need to learn to not push the seemingly insignificant to the side – deal with it than and avoid the pile up. I need to learn what is worth internalizing and moving forward from because it truly is unimportant, and what is really important even if embarrassing to discuss because it seems insignificant to others. Uncomfortable twenty minute discussions are worth the avoidance of day long meltdowns. These funks are just not worth it.

But I won’t be too hard on myself either. Bad days are inevitable. It is normal and understandable that the little things in life can bog you down for a day or two. Sure, getting grumpy over spilling coffee on my pants on the way to work or getting upset that dinner I planned to cook has since spoiled in the fridge seems a bit drastic. But every once in a while it is justified to be upset when life doesn’t run smoothly. No explanations necessary. So tonight, I will bust through the front door, throw on a pair of jeans and ratty t-shirt, cook my favorite dinner, plop on the couch, and watch horrible reality shows while munching on Halloween candy. Screw what my boy roommates think; they will just have to deal with this pity party.

This song doesn’t necessarily explain my bad mood; no one needs to apologize and in no way is this situation “to late.” But I find the song extremely comforting and I have played it on repeat while typing this blog. Click here to listen to Apologize by One Republic. (I must give props to Brooke for introducing me to this band!)



Friday, October 27, 2006

Can I go yet?!

Today I am totally impatient. Totally and completely impatient. I am staring at the clock just watching the minutes tick by hoping for it to be 5:00. I am starting to answer the phones in a rush and typing labels less neatly. I want to leave. I am dying to leave! Two of my three bosses have already taken off for the weekend (one actually declared “it’s Miller Time!), and if that last one would decide to join suit, I could go too.

Not only is it a Friday, but this is the night my friends and I have decided to celebrate Halloween. I am so excited, I can hardly stand it! I actually had a pretty rough morning but kept thinking about tonight and that really made all the difference. Finally, a night of crazy debauchery in Alabama – maybe it will feel a bit like home. Well, no that will never happen… but more realistically I am excited because it is a welcome change of pace from the monotony my new lifestyle provides. *sigh*

So here I sit, watching the clock and planning out every little preparation I will need to accomplish this evening to be the hottest little plumber I can be! Planning out my makeup, the hair, and the undergarments (which will most likely show with such a little costume!) Need to shave my legs, do my nails, figure out what slutty shoes to throw on, etc. Figure out a way to strap my cell phone to my wrist since I can just envision myself stumbling around and dropping it to the bar floor. Maybe I should just leave it at home and avoid the drunken phone calls I will undoubtedly make all together. Nah… where is the fun in that?!

I have never spent this holiday away from home, away from my best friends, away from the scene I am so used to. But I plan to make the best of it and soak up all that Alabama has to offer! I wouldn’t have necessarily chosen to spend my favorite holiday away from everything I know and love, but I will try my best to bring a bit of Seattle to the evening’s festivities.

So I say to you, “If the ocean were liquor and I were a duck I would dive to the bottom and drink my way up. But since the ocean ain't liquor and I'm no duck, pour me a shot and let's get fucked up!” Happy Halloween!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

office dares

So to help you make it thru these last few days at work before the Halloween parties this weekend, I am posting a simple list of ‘Office Dares.’ It is totally easy; just challenge your friends with this list of dares and who ever can rack up the most points in 24 hours is deemed the winner. The losers must chip in and congratulate the winner with a drink or two. Trust me, running around trying to earn points wastes time and makes time fly by!

Now before you scroll down and scoff at this list, be advised that people do actually compete with these dares. When competing against my boyfriend a year ago, I earned 19 points in a single 8 hour work day, so these dares can be accomplished. (I totally beat him by the way; wasn’t even a close competition!)

One thing that does bother me about this list is that it seems fairly one-sided. I can’t do half the dares listed because there is no elevator in my building and we don’t have regular staff meetings. So I say it is time to expand this list! Give others a chance to compete! Any suggestions of dares to add? How about walk around for 15 minutes with no shoes. Make a necklace out of paperclips and wear it for an hour. Hum inappropriate songs like “Let’s Get It On” or “Sexual Healing” around colleagues. Or even the clichéd ‘photocopy body parts’ dare with various body parts being worth various points would be a good addition.

FYI: I have decided to do this with only 2 hours left here at work to not only pass the time, but to help brainstorm other dares to add. With only an hour left to go, I have already earned 12 points! Whooo hooo! Take that suckers! (I like how I am mocking my non-existent competition.)

Let the games begin!

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9) In a colleague's day planner, write in the 10am slot: "See how I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

These students are our future…

In honor of my two best friends who are both teachers, I am posting 30 actual analogies and metaphors that were found in high school essays. They are hilarious!! Maybe I am biased since I am NOT a teacher, but if I saw one of these come across my desk in essay form, I would have to give them an "A" immediately simply for creativity. Well done students! Well done! (I am glad to see our future is in good hands...)

*Please note I looked all over to credit a source for this list but came up empty handed. I found dozens of websites with the same list posted, but no one had the original source listed. I apologize. Damn my lack of journalistic skills!

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.


2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Melinda had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. "Oh, Jason, take me!", she panted, her breasts heavi ng like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

bad day

*Let me first give credit where credit is due! I got this awesome story from my friend shan's blog but couldn't pass up the opportunity to post it myself. Enjoy! (BTW for all the rude clients that call me at work constantly, I am now inclined to jot down your number and give you a call sometime once I no longer live here in Alabama. It will be the perfect crime and untraceable! Genuis!)

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale " sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I ha d his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole ..1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole ..2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever f ind out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Welcome to the Monday time waster!

I have no idea why I like the idea of urban legends but I find it extremely interesting to dissect what people have learned to just consider true, and what actually is. I love the idea of almost impossible coincidences actually falling into play to make for an incredible story that will only be believed as an urban legend. The line between a reality and myth become blurred as the story is repeated time and time again at parties and even the most far fetched concept seems completely logically. When the legend is finally proven defunct, it’s almost heartbreaking to realize your naivety and the realization that your ‘never fail cocktail story about your cousin’s friend of a friend who actually had this happen to her’ will have to be replaced. Damn. Now how will you be the life of the party?!

Let’s test your own Urban Legend Knowledge I found on MSN. (source) Try out these ten true or false questions and see if you can tell which of these urban legends were true stories and which are just tall tales. (Answers posted below; don't cheat!)


TEST QUESTIONS

1. An elderly woman, in an attempt to dry her just-bathed miniature poodle faster, put him in the microwave and pressed the defrost button.

2. Baby alligators from Florida were flushed down a toilet, and they grew into a thriving colony of enormous alligators living in the New York City sewer system.

3. That little bit of crunch in Fig Newtons could be due to the bugs that inadvertently get into the fig paste.

4. A young boy died from eating a fatal combination of six bags of Pop Rocks and a six-pack of Coca-Cola. The combination apparently caused the Pop Rocks to explode in his stomach, killing him instantly.

5. A drugged tourist awoke in his hotel room's ice-filled bathtub, and realized that he had undergone surgery on his lower-left groin. Doctors who examined him confirmed that he was yet another victim of a kidney robbery.

6. Kopi Luwak, the world's most expensive coffee at U.S. $75 per quarter pound, is harvested from the partially digested coffee beans found in the feces of the palm civet, a distant cousin of the mongoose.

7. In a 1999 joint project between Microsoft and AOL, the companies ran an e-mail beta test, during which users received $1 to $5 for each e-mail they forwarded to others. Within two weeks, participants received checks from Microsoft in amounts from $800 to more than $24,000.

8. A traveler returned from Mexico with an expensive, rare cactus that was several feet tall, and placed it in his living room. A few weeks later he noticed the cactus was vibrating. He called the Department of Agriculture and was eventually connected to a scientist specializing in cacti. After many pointed questions about the cactus, the scientist told the man to get himself and his family out of the house as soon as possible, because the cactus was full of huge tarantulas and was about to explode.

9. A man picked up a young female hitchhiker at an intersection late one night, and drove her to the address she requested. When he pulled up to the house, he realized she had disappeared. He went to the house to ask about the girl, and the elderly couple living there informed him that the girl was their daughter, who had died many years ago in a car crash at that intersection.

10. While demonstrating the safety of the windows in a skyscraper, a lawyer fell to his death when the window he was pushing on gave way.

Want to see how you fared? Scroll to check the answers below. In case you are wondering, I scored 8 out of 10. See, even a girl who considers herself a connoisseur of urban legends missed a few; I learn something new everyday!

Ready? Here goes!

TEST ANSWERS

1. False
The "Poodle in the Microwave" or "Microwaved Pet" myth, in which a person puts a wet pet in the microwave to dry (with tragically explosive results for the animal), was widely circulated in the mid-1970s. It was probably a reaction to somewhat mysterious new technologies such as microwave ovens. Although this legend usually has a befuddled elderly woman making the fatal error, the manner in which the pet gets wet, as well as the type of pet, has sometimes varied. And it goes without saying (we hope!) that while this story isn't true, you should never microwave your pet.

2. False
The "Alligators in the Sewer" urban legend has its roots in the 1920s and 1930s, when stories circulated about alligators brought back to New York as pets by vacationers to Florida, and then turned loose into the sewer when they grew too big. The story grew and grew--and so did the size of the alleged alligator colony and the alligators themselves! New York City sewer officials and union workers have maintained for decades that despite all the stories, there has yet to be a single sighting of an alligator in the sewer.

3. True
The Food and Drug Administration allows for fig paste to have up to 13 insect heads per 100 grams. Because the fig bears its flowers inside the fruit and relies upon wasps to crawl inside to pollinate them, many wasps end up harvested along with the figs. Even with rigorous cleaning and sorting of the figs, it would be nearly impossible to remove every single wasp from inside the figs. So, the crunch is mostly from the fig's seeds, but there may be a wasp head or two in the paste as well.

4. False
This urban legend scared parents and kids alike for some time, especially when the story evolved and it was supposedly "Mikey," the freckle-faced little boy in the Life Cereal commercials of the 1970s, who died from eating too many Pop Rocks and chasing them with a six-pack of Coca-Cola. However, Pop Rocks do not contain enough gas to cause anything worse than a belch, and chasing them with a can of soda certainly won't cause an explosion. When Kraft bought the product rights in 1983, Pop Rocks were marketed under a different name, leading to the rumor that they were taken off the shelves because they were so dangerous. These days, they are back on the market again as Pop Rocks and are still available in your favorite candy aisle.

5. False
The urban legend of a traveler waking up robbed of his kidneys by a gang of highly skilled organ thieves was seen by thousands in 1997 via a well-circulated e-mail with the subject line, "Travelers Beware!" In fact, the story had been around since at least 1991. According to Snopes.com, the National Kidney Foundation has asked any individuals who had their kidneys illegally removed to contact them. So far, no one has.

6. True
The exotic gourmet coffee Kopi Luwak--a combination of the Indonesian word for coffee and a local name of the palm civet--is harvested from the partially digested coffee beans found in the feces of the civet, a distant cousin of the mongoose. Known for its distinctly rich taste and aroma, the excreted coffee is produced in Indonesia and Vietnam, and is gaining in popularity among coffee connoisseurs. It is believed that the enzymes in the civet's stomach partially break down the proteins in the coffee beans, removing the bitter taste and enhancing the coffee's flavor. Still, many deride this beverage as "cat poop coffee" or "monkey poo coffee."

7. False
Titled "Bill Gates Is Sharing His Fortune!", the e-mail at the root of this story touted a reward to computer users who forwarded an e-mail beta test from Microsoft and AOL. It experienced heavy circulation from 1999 until the early 2000s. So many inquiries were made to Microsoft about it that Bill Gates himself issued statements explaining that this was an e-mail chain letter hoax.

8. False
Variations of this "tarantula-spewing yucca" legend, in which a traveler brings home a rare cactus and it turns out to be filled with giant spiders, began circulating in Scandinavia and Great Britain in the early 1970s. Scientists have pointed out that this tale is impossible, because tarantulas live in holes in the ground and rarely venture to the surface. Furthermore, no type of spider has ever been known to burrow in plants or purposely lay eggs inside a plant.

9. False
The legend of the driver who picked up a hitchhiker--who turned out to be a ghost--dates back to more than a century ago, when cars replaced horses and wagons. Some variations to the tale are the hitchhiker making a prophecy before she disappears, and the hitchhiker leaving a personal effect, such as a scarf or a book, in the car.

10. True
Sadly, the story of a lawyer falling to his death from a skyscraper window was all too real for Garry Hoy. As he was demonstrating the safety of the windows in the building for some visiting law students, Toronto lawyer Hoy fell 24 stories to his death in 1993 when the window popped out and he fell through, to the horror of several witnesses.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Tired of the same old e-greeting cards? Try something new!

Who doesn’t love to get mail in their inbox from a friend or family member just saying ‘hello’ or ‘thinking of you’? Sure, a real letter in your mailbox is always better but with our fast paced society, stationary and envelopes have been sidestepped allowing electronic greeting cards to take over. (Besides, my cheap ass can’t afford stamps!) But are you getting tired of sending the same cookie cutter card to your friends? The limited selections of free e-cards always feature singing rabbits, sunshine rays making tulips grow, or anything else super cute. (Okay, okay I admit, I love those adorable animal cards… keep them coming mom!) But what if the fuzzy-wuzzy overly cute and loving vibe is tired to you? Try something new: Virtual Crack!




“Think of how excited your friend will be to find a big chunk of crack in their inbox! What better way to make someone's day than the wonderful gesture of crack cocaine?” source At
www.virtualcrack.com, you can send a little something extra to your friend this weekend. They have a wide selection to chose from like the sack o’ rocks, the pure “artic white” rock, or even a “rock head starter kit.” Need help figuring out an appropriate occasion to send crack? No worries! Virtual crack gives you a fine assortment of reasons: “Sorry I ate your dog,” “Good luck in court,” So, you lost another job?” or the popular “Happy V.D.!”

And yes, this website really does send these as e-greetings! I have been sending these to my friends over the past eight years and people always comment. It certainly is original right?

Don’t delay; send all your friends crack today!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

I Freaking Love Halloween! (Part Two of Two)

My absolute favorite part of Halloween, hands down, is the costumes! I love to throw on a costume any time during the year and this of course is the perfect excuse. If you happened to read the ‘addy 101’ blog posted back in September, you can reference number 74 on the list at this time: “I love costume parties. I have a huge box stuffed full of costumes I have collected over the years. I think people who come to the parties without a costume are lame. Most of the time I feel they don't dress up because they think it's silly and will be embarrassed, but they stand out more not being dressed up at all.” Seriously folks, don’t be a spoil sport and throw on a costume! I am always willing to loan out one of my own, so money should never be the issue. I have everything from a donkey costume to a naughty nurse, a caveman to a cheerleader, a polyester disco one piece to a sexy Girl Scout costume. I have it all. After 23 years, you gain quite a collection. However, the ‘red crayon’ costume I wore as a toddler became mold ridden in the attic and had to be tossed, so that is missing from ‘the box’. Plus, I was a damn vampire for four or five years in a row because I refused to be anything else (I bet my parents were happy to save the money!) so that took away a few years of precious costumes but all in all, ‘the box’ has something for everyone.

Halloween for college kids is a huge cliché. The guys also find the easiest thing to throw on with half regards to being clever. Most of the time the only consideration for the costume is if it is cheap and if it is easy to wear while drunk. Guys most often go as a ‘pimp’ in a creepy velvet leisure suit or an ‘80’s rocker’ with ripped jeans, fake mullet, and crappy beer. Girls use this holiday to become as naked as possible. Basically, they pick a profession and than add the word ‘sexy’ or ‘naughty’ in front of it. Sexy Angel, Naughty Nurse, Sexy Devil, Naughty Cop, Sexy Cowgirl, Naughty Pussycat, etc. My favorites are the girls who go as a ‘Stripper’ or a ‘Prostitute.’ No seriously, girls have. That is just pathetic – at least throw on a pair of fuzzy ears and be a Playboy Bunny! *sigh* Oh well, I guess I am not one to judge. I have gone as a Naughty Nurse, Naughty Girl Scout, Sexy Sergeant Booty Camp (instead of Boot Camp), and of course the not original at all Naughty School Girl. I really don’t have much room to talk than, huh?

So this year I was going to try and be different. I was going to go as clothed as possible and be more witty than slutty. I was thinking about going as a ‘Frat Guy’ wearing a light pink polo shirt with popped collar and aviator sunglasses or even a ‘mail carrier’ since my friend is going as a UPS guy. I even contemplated going as a ‘Hippie Liberal’ just to piss off the guys at the bars down here in Alabama… but decided against it since poor Brian shouldn’t have to get in a fight for me within the first three minutes we walk into a bar! So I got online to browse for ideas. I have always made my costumes in the past to save money but I still need a jumping off point; my creative juices can run low year after year trying to come up with clever costumes. And then I stumbled upon it: the costume I had to own for 2006. It was so perfect and cute that I even bought it online, a first for me! I knew that even though I could potentially make a cute version of this costume, I didn't want to. I wanted the original. I was slighty embarrased because it was yet again another profession made as skanky as possible and I was trying to get away from that theme... but I can always grow up and have a more mature costume next year right?!

So I got onto eBay and found one to bid one (I still wasn't about to pay full price!) and long story short: I am the proud owner of my newest costume - Sexy Plumber! (pictures below) Yes, that is right - a plumber. The work overalls sport the brand name "Personal Touch Plumbing Services" with the motto "We Polish Pipes" sprawled on a button. Slutty? Yup. Totally cheesy? You betcha. Do I care? Nope! I just love this costume! I have no idea what about it strikes my fancy so much, but whatever the reason that compelled me to make my purchase was, I know this is a great addition to the costume box! I mean, come on - my costumes run the gambit from zombie to sexy plumber: that's awesome! Also, I give the plumber outfit bonus points because although it is slutty which is unoriginal in itself... it is super slutty which makes it all the funnier to wear while partying in conservative Alabama! Those bars won't know what hit them!






This weekend Brian and I will be heading to a local pumpkin patch (and corn maze! YES!) and than hosting a pumpkin carving party at our place. I am so excited for all the festivities! I promise to take pictures and post them next week so you can see how our pumkins turned out (and how muddy I get running lost thru the corn maze). I am racking my brain trying to come up with a new clever pumpkin carving theme but seem to be coming up short; all my ideas seem to easy or unoriginal. Any suggestions?! They would be greatly appreciated! Leave your suggestions in the comment section of this post and if your idea makes the final cut, I promise to give you a 'shout out'! (I know, I know... that isn't a very worthwhile prize but if I throw in a handmade 1st place ribbon with stickers on it, would that sweeten the deal?!)

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I Freaking Love Halloween! (Part One of Two)

Most who know me are well aware that Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I love everything about it! Most people will be quick to assume it’s simply because of Trick or Treating but that couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, I don’t remember much about trick or treating from my youth since I was banned from the activity after fifth grade by my parents who thought after elementary school I was too old to go around the neighborhood begging for candy. You would have thought that could have immediately deterred me from loving Halloween, but even as a child I found new ways to celebrate. All through middle school I went door to door collecting canned food instead of candy for a local food drive and every year in high school my friends and I threw house parties. (Not the kind with keg cups and drunken closet groping but more candy corn and scary movies – yah, my friends and I were late bloomers to the party scene. Fine by me, we made up for lost time real quick in college!)

Every year I embellish my apartment (or parent’s house back in the day!) from head to toe with every decoration imaginable. I hang the spooky colored lights (orange and purple tiny lights or the ever popular glowing skulls), stretch huge spider webs in corner adorned with plastic spider rings, hang ‘creepy’ tissue paper ghosts, play haunted music soundtracks, etc. You name it, I have done it. One year my dad and I even painted fake tombstones to put in the front yard with family members’ names and described them as dying in total freak accidents. Mom wasn’t too appreciative of that one. Another year dad and I rigged the garage door to remain open and my dad slide under it to look as if it had closed on him and killed him. When neighborhood children came up to our house to check on him, he would jump up and scare them while chasing them down our driveway. Mom really didn’t appreciate that one.

Thank goodness I have found someone who appreciates my love of Halloween and embraces it as much as I do (well, maybe not as much, but certainly he gets more into it than most!) Just another reason why I love Brian! Anyway, this is our first Halloween living together and we have decided to begin the decoration process early. We got huge window light up displays of a ghost and skull to hang from the upstairs windows and gooey ‘bloody’ hand prints to smear on the bottom ones. We have glow in the dark decals and orange lights to string up around the front door. Our coffee table is covered with pumpkin, spider, and creepy skull candles and I plan on getting a huge thing of spider webbing this weekend. It may not sound like much, but decorating ‘our place’ feels amazing since living together is still relatively new plus it makes it feel a bit more like home.

Pumpkin carving is a big deal every year too. My favorite is to go to a pumpkin patch and tromp thru mud selecting the perfect pumpkin to take home as a souvenir for your effort. But I will easily settle to pick a pumpkin out of a bin at the local grocery store. I have thrown a yearly pumpkin carving contest for several years (my poor parents were forced to ‘compete’ against me even as a child!) and has become more elaborate has time has gone on. First, it began with the simple ‘Best Pumpkin’ contest. Now a theme is voted on prior to the event and we try to keep it original every year. Back in college, we had a ‘sex’ theme and each pumpkin had to incorporate a sexual position or act carved into the pumpkin. The next year we had a ‘swear word’ contest where you had to carve a bad word somewhere into the pumpkin. Last year, we had a ‘wrong holiday’ theme where everyone carves the wrong holiday scene into the pumpkin; for example my friend did a leprechaun for St. Patrick’s Day and I carved Jesus carrying a cross to celebrate Easter. There is no prize involved; all participants strive to take home the pride associated with the win. But the winner does usually get the last beer in the fridge out of respect.


Tomorrow I will write about my absolute favorite aspect of Halloween: the costumes! I already have mine figured out but Brian is still stuck. Any suggestions I can pass on to him?

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

You will feel instantly better about your own singing talent!

I love to sing. I will rock out in my car blasting my ipod on the way to work, belt out tunes in the shower, or even karaoke Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing in any bar that will allow me too – but I also have the mind set to know that I am not a good singer. I simply enjoy singing and even feel bad for other’s who are forced to listen to my warbling. (Sorry Brian!) It is painful to know that I will never be a Christina Aguilera or Gwen Stefani because I enjoy singing so much. But I have accepted my fate and have resigned to the fact I will never be considered a talented singer.

Maybe this is why I find horrible musicians who are diluted enough to actually think they are amazing talent hilarious. I stumbled across this gem today from a link on one of my pop culture website obsessions (perezhilton.com) and had to share it with you immediately. I instantly feel better about my own singing prowess and am sure the same will happen to you. Plus, it makes me want to skip work, go home, pop some popcorn, and throw in a Disney movie – which is always a bonus.


Here is the article in its entirety from The Daily Telegraph this morning: (source)

Whole new world of warbling




Be warned: Peter Andre and Jordan's appalling new duet is four minutes and twenty-two seconds you will never get back.

A recording of the Australian singer and his ultra-tanned bimbo wife singing the song "A Whole New World'' has been doing the industry email rounds in recent days.

Apparently set to end up on a Christmas covers album in the UK, the tabloid couple ramble tragically through the song they danced to at their wedding last year.

Andre, who can actually sing, begins the theme song to Aladdin in decent fashion but when Jordan chimes in after a minute or so with her high-pitched, way off tune karaoke, you would swear an animal was being attacked.

It's the last thing anyone could want for Christmas.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THIS AWESOME RENDITION YOURSELF!

Monday, October 16, 2006

The 80’s are back with a vengeance baby!

As most of my friends already know about me, I am obsessed with the 80’s. I’m not as well versed in 80’s trivia as I would like, but I can bust out nostalgic memories like the best of them. If I flip to an “I love the 80’s” Marathon on VH1, it would take a miracle to pry me off the couch and unglue my stare to the screen. And if anyone doubts my love for the 80’s, just come over to my place to bake Shrinky Dinks, bust out the Snoopy Sno Cone Machine, and play some old school original Nintendo! Than before we hit the town, we can pre-funk to Guns N’ Roses, bleach our Jordache Jeans, crimp our hair, and drink Tab. No seriously, I have all these items at my house. (Well, except the Tab… but I can pick up a few cans of it on the way home.) I gotcha covered; come on over!

And yes, for those who always ask: I was alive in the 80’s. I was born in 1982. A perfect age to appreciate Smurfs or Thundercats.

MTV has compiled a list of movies in stage of development based on hit shows from the 80’s. I am so stoked - I might try and Fandango my premiere screening tickets now! Come on, who wants to come with me?! I mean seriously, who doesn’t want to get tipsy beforehand and catch the newest He-Man or Fraggle Rock adventure?! If that isn’t a great way to reminisce about lost youth, I don’t know what is.

The list has been cut and paste below for your enjoyment. Source


Whether you wore fishnet gloves, jean jackets and Zips sneakers with double mismatching socks — or just enjoy laughing at the fact that other people did — right now, no decade is hotter than the 1980s. So, when you have a moment in between watching Mr. T's new reality show, listening to Rihanna sample "Tainted Love" or re-learning the dance steps to "Thriller," you might be asking, Where are the movies? Well, go gag yourself with a spoon, because plenty of gnarly flicks are moonwalking their way through the production process, on their most excellent way to a tubular theater near you.

"Transformers" Fans have been Optimus Primed for a big-screen version of the robots in disguise ever since the first trailer for next summer's live-action flick hit the Web. "When they put the teaser trailer up, it was a huge, huge issue. There were, like, 6 million hits at the Paramount site, which they had never seen before. It was the most Internet traffic they'd ever gotten, and their site shut down — it was insane!" grinned Shia LaBeouf, who stars in the almost-finished Michael Bay flick alongside Josh Duhamel, Dane Cook and a dozen 20-something-foot tall transforming vehicles. Addressing the '80s renaissance, he added, " 'Transformers' is huge; it's a classic. I know that my generation loves it, and I know the generation ahead of me loves it. People grew up with it, and people are still growing up with it." With additional celebrity robot voices to be announced and a contest under way to put lines in the mouth of Autobot leader Optimus, it's suddenly cool again to play with a 6-inch-high transforming truck.

"The A-Team" Like a steel-reinforced van breaking through a warehouse door, "The A-Team" is getting ready to invade movie screens — and if you listen carefully, you might just hear the ghost of George Peppard whispering, "I love it when a plan comes together." Agents at the Creative Artists Agency confirmed that original series creator Stephen J. Cannell is still attached and excited about bringing the story of four rogue Vietnam veterans to a theater near you, despite problems with a script that has sent the writers back to the drawing board numerous times. The long-running '80s phenomenon followed Hannibal (Peppard), the Faceman (Dirk Benedict), "Howling Mad" Murdock (Dwight Shultz) and B.A. Baracus (Mr. T) as they took on secret assignments helping the less fortunate in need of some muscle. In a recent interview with movie Web site Empire Online, Cannell said he was interested in updating the characters for the new millennium. "I want to create it as taking place today. So the Gulf War could be a great angle," he said. "In the original, the A-Team were on the run after robbing a bank under orders just as the war ended; in this, maybe the four would raid Saddam Hussein's bank or whatever." The project is in development with 20th Century Fox, and we can only assume that Ving Rhames has his barber practicing the Mohawk in anticipation of the B.A. role he seems born to play.

"He-Man and the Masters of the Universe" "By the power of Grayskull," Hollywood is still promising that a live-action He-Man movie will one day hit theaters. But right now the long-rumored John Woo project has more in common with wimpy Prince Adam than it does with the titular Master of the Universe — both are going nowhere fast. According to a source at Woo's production company, Lion Rock, "John is attached, but the project isn't a priority or high on his radar. Essentially, [he] lost enthusiasm." While the source confirmed that an early script written by "Detroit Rock City" director Adam Rifkin was submitted to Woo, it is unclear whether or not it would be optioned should the film ultimately get a green light — leaving open the possibility that another writer might eventually get to take a turn at the Shakespearean-like stories of Moss Man, Trap Jaw and Fisto. Since He-Man originally debuted as a line of action figures, the rights to the film belong to toy manufacturer Mattel, which is currently in "active" talks with Lion Rock, according to the source. Woo begins shooting his next film, a war flick entitled "The Battle of Red Cliff," in early 2007 in his native China. Orko, meanwhile, was unavailable for comment.


"Smurfs" You loved the cartoon as a kid, you can't get the "la la" theme song out of your head, so maybe you're wondering just what's going on with this Smurfing movie? "There's no director attached; it's still in development," said a rep for Herb Ratner, the first-time writer who has passed in his script for the flick, which intends to render the tiny blue characters in CGI. With "no talent attached" and a "still early on" status, even Jokey doesn't seem likely to be smiling anytime soon.

"Knight Rider" The coolest car in TV history is revving up its engine and racing to the big screen with the return of "Knight Rider," the Weinstein Company recently announced. The movie will be scripted by original series creator Glen A. Larson, and will once again center on Michael Knight and his attempt to fight crime when he acquires a new face — and boss — after being left to die from gunshot wounds sustained during his old job as a policeman. "I am a huge fan of the original series and could not be happier that we've joined forces with Glen Larson to bring these iconic characters to the big screen," Harvey Weinstein enthused. Michael's journey will once again be aided by KITT, a nearly indestructible car armed with artificial intelligence, and fans assume that the auto will be as state-of-the-art now as the '80s version was then. While publicists at the Weinstein Company confirm KITT will be revamped to more accurately reflect modern vehicles, they scoffed at recent online photos that claim to depict the new car as "completely bogus." But more importantly, will Michael still wear a leather jacket while hanging out in the desert?

"Fraggle Rock" "We have a television show that we made in the '80s called 'Fraggle Rock,' and if it were not for the way that we can now communicate with our fans, we wouldn't know the intense interest that the fans have in 'Fraggle Rock' right now in 2006, many years after it aired," said Lisa Henson, overseer of the company and characters lovingly crafted by her legendary father Jim. Currently engineering the relaunch of the "Dark Crystal" franchise with an upcoming movie, her Jim Henson Company will next begin work on a big-screen flick starring the underground-dwelling quasi-Muppets. Although the adventures of Gobo, Mokey, Wembley and the Doozers seem a bit obscure compared to some other '80s icons, the Fraggles are immensely popular at pop-culture gatherings. It seemed only appropriate, then, that Henson recently discussed details of a "Fraggle" movie with a Comic-Con audience that roared its approval. " 'Fraggle Rock' has remained a favorite project at our company," Henson added. "We're actively developing a 'Fraggle Rock' feature." If Uncle Matt is out there in the real world, he might want to report that the "Fraggle" flick is full-steam ahead, with a major announcement expected in the weeks to come.

"CHiPs" The film version of this late-'70s/early-'80s staple is moving along — albeit at a pace so slow it makes us want to freak out, hop behind the wheel of a car and zig-zag wildly on a California highway. According to his publicist, Wilmer Valderrama is indeed making plans to step into the skin-tight khaki uniform of Officer Francis Llewellyn "Ponch" Poncherello, a role originally made famous by Erik Estrada. With the artist formerly known as Fez confirmed as half of the eponymous California Highway Patrol team, recent Internet speculation has centered on who will play his blonde-haired partner, Jon Baker. Various Web sites have pegged "Fantastic Four" star Chris Evans as the studio's choice, citing a supposed conversation in which Valderrama called Evans "Ponch's new partner!" This comes as news to Evans' agent, however, who denied Evans' participation in the project by saying, "He is not attached." Publicists at Warner Bros. were unable to comment on the current state of the movie, noting that it was in such early pre-production that no "news of the film has crossed [their] desks." With the flick's intention to adopt a "Starsky & Hutch"-like spoofing attitude, we can only hope that a roller disco is somehow involved in the plot — and that Jack Black is cast as shlubby Officer Grossman.

"G.I. Joe" Before he was a cartoon star or action figure, G.I. Joe was a comic strip created on the orders of the United States military, which hoped to inspire soldiers during World War II. Oh boy, how the times have changed. Ever since the '80s cartoon classic went off the air, fans have wondered when they'll see Destro, Bazooka, and evil twins Tomax and Xamot on the big screen. Well, they'll have to wait until U.S. entanglements change so substantially that both foreign and domestic audiences will want to look at the image of a heroic American soldier and scream, "Yo, Joe!" "I had been in conversations with Hasbro to do 'G.I. Joe,' and Sony was interested in doing it," producer Don Murphy ("Natural Born Killers") remembered of a less complex time just a few years ago. "Then we invaded Iraq, and it became kind of clear that doing a movie called 'G.I. Joe' was probably not the best idea at that point." While it may be true that we're closer than ever before to the reality of a group like Cobra — the international terrorist organization made up of shadowy figures who deal in random attacks — the over-the-top behavior of Cobra Commander is a long way from seeming appropriate post-9/11. For once, Hollywood seems to know when it's time to show restraint — and knowing is half the battle.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" Like "Transformers," the kung-fu fighting reptiles have been cranking out toys and cartoons that still win over young fans more than two decades after they were hatched in the '80s. And that continuing popularity is paying off for them as well, with a big-screen flick hitting theaters in March — and even more after that. "We'll be back in three years with a sequel," predicted producer Thomas K. Gray, who is overseeing the darker, CGI-Turtle renaissance just as he did their early-'90s flicks. "People thought the Turtles were over, but they didn't realize they're very much alive if you come with a new medium. It's like everything in this business: nobody knows anything. We showed them back in the '90s, and we're going to show them again. This is a property that's going to live on for a long time, so that'll be a really good satisfaction when we open."

"Cabbage Patch Kids: The Beginning" Just kidding, folks. But if "Transformers" and "Turtles" open big, can it be far behind?

Check out everything we've got on "Transformers" and "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."

Friday, October 13, 2006

"This jacket is dry clean only. Which means .... it's dirty."
- Mitch Hedberg

To kick the weekend on a good note, I have decided to post some of my favorite jokes from comedian Mitch Hedberg. (Mitchell Hedberg, February 24, 1968 – March 29, 2005, was an American stand-up comedian known for his odd subject matter, stylistic elocution and memorable routines that often consisted of a string of one-line non sequiturs. For more information on Mitch, click here or visit his official website.)

I am clocking out soon and headed out to find as much trouble I can find. I am feeling mischievous. My ideal plan for this weekend: to steal a police car and turn on the siren so children can dance to its happy tune. Or to rent Hard Candy from Blockbuster and eat Gummi Bears. Either option sounds equally as good.

Anyway, onto the jokes!

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know? I'm like, "Hey, wait, come back. Let me hold one of you... and feed you a leaf."

I was at the lake and I saw this seagull, so I walked up to it and said, "It's okay, I won't tell anybody."

I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce on it," which she did. She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"

I don't wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop. "Hey, how the fuck did he do that?" "In Hollywood it's all who you know, and I know Crackle."

All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!...And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown. He attracts too many children."

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrenes, party of two. Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrenes, party of two, Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Busch, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You people are selfish... the Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Busch, search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes.

They say Diet Dr Pepper tastes just like regular Dr Pepper. Well, then, they fucked up!

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I want to be a race car passenger—just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep going in circles? Can I stick my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide."

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly.

Dr. Scholl is a doctor, which means he spent nine years in med school. That man wasted his time. It took him nine years to learn that cushions make shoes comfortable. I would have bought that shit from a Mr. Scholl. Maybe even a Señor Scholl.

Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a woman, but this can backfire because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with, but now it's been cheapened... "We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let's keep on givin'." "Remember that song, baby? The night I fucked you in the pet cemetery?"

I saw a commercial that said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers!" ... So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion... Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six. At least."

In my house I have a sliding glass door, and on it is a sticker that says "Warning: Alarm System". And it's a pretty simple alarm system, consisting of... a sticker.

And my personal favorite…

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

Thursday, October 12, 2006

My Trip to New York Part Three of Three: I love dunnies!

Finally, on to my souvenirs! I really only purchased one item and it was something I have been eyeing for months and quite a splurge. I bought the Patricia Field blue hoodie I wrote about on my previous post titled New York, Here I Come! It is also pictured below. It is quite over the top but I absolutely love it. (Whether Brian loves it as well, or even likes it, is still up for debate.) If I could get away with wearing it at work, I would be doing so right now! In case you are curious, Patricia Field was the costume designer for Sex in the City and The Devil Wears Prada; check out her website and merchandise
here. Also, getting to her store was an adventure in itself but well worth it. Sure, I love the hoodie, but the flamboyant gay man behind the register with a perfectly coifed bob haircut and full grown out beard was the icing on the cake!



I also purchased two other little souvenirs but since they were less than ten dollars, they don’t really count. However, they rule and even at only the $6, they totally overshadow my hoodie in the coolness factor! I bought Kid Robot Dunnies. Okay, okay now how to explain. So basically Kid Robot is a creator of limited edition art toys. “Many Kidrobot products feature unique collaborations with famous artists from backgrounds of graffiti, fine art, industrial design, graphic design, illustration and music.” (For more information on the Kid Robot brand, read all about it here.)
One of their limited edition art toys is a series of 3 inch bunnies designed by famous artists that are sold in separate boxes that are sealed; basically, you never know which one you are buying until you open it! Kind of like collector baseball cards (except way cooler!) and praying you get that mint condition Ken Griffey, Jr. card. For more information and pictures of the Dunnies, click here.

I can’t explain to you why I think these little bunnies are the coolest ‘toys’ ever, but I am instantly hooked just as Stevie is too. We scoured eBay for hours to determine which of the 17 dunnies we would want for our own collection enough to bid on and debated running back to the store to purchase even more. The thrill of opening that little yellow box and finding the dunny you dreamed for sounds great… but finding a repeat dunny would be tragic. Thus, eBay became the more viable option.

However, instead of being lame and sticking those collector items up on a shelf to collect dust, we decided to tote those dunnies around New York City and take pictures of them doing everything we do! I know this sounds crazy and maybe something that would have only been acceptable to do in Middle School, but I say think again. Gina Garan did the exact same concept with Blythe dolls and has made a fortune.

Amazon.com explains the Blythe book premise: “Produced for only one year in the '70s, Blythe is a moony waif of a doll coveted by a growing group of devoted fans. Photographer Gina Garan fell to Blythe's charms and unusual looks years ago and has shot her in settings around the world, from Greece to Soho to Hooters. Hilarious, mesmerizing, and just a little spooky, This Is Blythe is the result of Garan's offbeat passion and a photography book like no other. Here's mod Blythe pacing through an art gallery; a pensive Blythe in a tiny blue fur parka, the sun flaring orange behind her; Blythe emerging from a block of ice. Is that Blythe telling her Christmas wishes to Santa Claus? Like stills for a film that hasn't happened (yet?), these undeniably beautiful photographs create an entire world from each flawless frame. A no-explanation-necessary gift for that special someone, This Is Blythe will enchant fans of witty photography and pop culture with a taste for the unexpected.”

Can’t Stevie and I do this with Dunnies?! Why not?! Don’t all million dollar successes start out with a seemingly simple concept? We could create our dunnies their own blogspot, their own myspace page, their own web forum. We could post pictures of their (and our!) adventures and give them their own identities. It could be the newest pop culture guilty pleasure. Or let’s be honest: more likely it will just end up being a blog Stevie and I post our own pictures on for our enjoyment alone. We will be huge dorks but love every minute of it while our friends roll their eyes as we snap pictures of the dunnies out in the real world. But hey, at least they aren’t just collecting dust right?!


So here was our attempt in New York City to let the dunnies roam free and snap away. They ate pizza with us at John’s Pizzeria, listened to music at the Apple Store, ate our Halloween candy, drank my beer, and even made a few prank calls. Are we nerdy? Sure. Do I care? Nope. Are you scrolling to see the pictures filled with curiosity? You betcha!








Wednesday, October 11, 2006

My Trip to New York Part Two of Three: Unconventional Sight Seeing

For the part two update of my weekend adventure into the Big Apple, I will post a few pictures of the sight seeing. This is my second trip to New York in the past year and last time I was there for a whole week which Stevie and Kyle dedicated to taking me to all the tourist attractions I could fathom. This trip was much shorter and more focused on just being with friends. However, I still had a bit of tourist in me, carrying my camera every second of the trip making sure to miss not one moment. (I did try to stay incognito though and had my camera in my purse, not dangling around my neck.) So my ‘sight seeing’ portion of the trip was short and sweet: merely taking pictures of fascination things we happened to bump into.




First up, the newest art installation at Rockefeller Center: Sky Mirror. It would be confusing for me to explain so I will let Public Art Fund do the talking. “Anish Kapoor's Sky Mirror is a breathtaking, 35-foot-diameter concave mirror made of polished stainless steel. Standing nearly three stories tall at the Fifth Avenue entrance to the Channel Gardens at Rockefeller Center, Sky Mirror offers a dazzling experience of light and architecture, presenting viewers with a vivid inversion of the skyline featuring the historic landmark building at 30 Rockefeller Plaza.”
Source We saw the art piece late at night which was still amazing, but extremely hard to take a picture of. The picture I have posted is not from my own camera, but from the Public Art Fund website. For more info and pictures, click here.



Next, we went to the Apple Store. That doesn’t sound very interesting at all, until you realize the store itself is all underground except for the entrance, which is a 32-foot glass cube in the middle of Manhattan. Again, my picture was taken at night so it doesn’t give the store justice; I have included a picture from Panoramas instead.
Source Also, the picture shows the store on opening day – I was able to walk right up.



For my last picture to include from sight seeing, I want to share a picture that displays the ingenuity of New York street vendors. These guys find ways to cut corner with safety disregarded; they live on the edge like that. I witnessed two vending carts hooked together and powered by one generator and a dangling extension cord shared between the two. Amazing. Simply amazing.

My final instalment of this three part update will be posted tomorrow. Rounding off my trip, I will showcase my designer souvenir I splurged on plus my newest obession: Kid Robot Dunnies. Confused? Thinking, "what the hell is a dunny?!" Don't worry, I promise all will be explained in less than 24 hours (with pics!)

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

My Trip to New York Part One of Three: I hate David's Bridal...

First off, my trip in New York was amazing! I had such a blast every minute and loved being engulfed in the ‘big city’ life again. My favorite moments was not running around Times Square or enjoying the night life that I have missed being here in Alabama, but sitting on the couch with Stevie into the wee hours of the morning just sitting cross-legged, eating Halloween candy, drinking wine, and talking about anything and everything! It was nice to sit on the same couch we did while we both lived back in Seattle and it felt as if nothing had changed… even though both of our lives have been changed radically. Our scenery may have changed, but our friendship has not.

Next up: pictures! Friend got together and celebrated over several bottles of wine and champagne toasting Stevie and Kyle’s engagement all night. The party may have not been what we were expecting but as any good party does, it rolled with the punches and we still had a blast until the bar kicked us out. You can tell from the pictures that even though it may have been a classy affair, the guests weren’t necessarily! (Please note these pictures were taken at the engagement party thrown at a friend’s apartment; the bar didn’t look like this!)

Best Friends Reunited

The Gang... after several bottles of wine!

Bridesmaids and Bride

The Maid of Honor and Best Man trying to be as serious as possible...


The next day Stevie, the two other bridesmaids, and I headed to David’s Bridal for our fittings. Oh. My. God. It was ridiculous! We had a 2:00 pm appointment but were pushed aside until the next 'consultant' could help us. The staff was very rude and three other customers who walked in off the street without an appointment after us were helped first. I was getting extremely annoyed and kept nicely complaining just to see if I could get the ball rolling. I can tell everyone in our party, including the lovely bride, is starting to get upset and frankly, this is supposed to be a day where the bride is treated amazingly since it is such a big deal to be picking out a wedding dress so I am appalled at the customer service. I continued to be as polite as possible… until we had been waiting 45 minutes and the consultant we were promised started helping someone else yet again that had come in after us without an appointment! So now I raise hell.

I march up to the lady running the wait line and begin complaining all over again saying how it was inexcusable behavior to be ignoring our bridal party completely. Her reply? “Mam, we are busy. Just wait one minute.' My very rude reply back, “we had been told that same thing 5 times before and have waited over 45 minutes while others have been helped before us who clearly don't have an appointment!' I still may have considered waiting a bit longer but another sales rep came over and sealed the stores fate. She actually had the balls to say in that overly polite and completely condescending tone:

“Sweetie, just deal with it. You are going to have to wait.”

Oh hell no! Now I am irate! “I am not your sweetie, I am a customer. Don't talk down to me and we will not be ignored. Get the manager out here immediately so I can file an official complaint and I want my best friend in a dressing room in a wedding dress in five minutes. No negotiations.” What happened? We got the manager, she helped us personally, and Stevie was made the center of attention for the rest of the appointment – just as it should have been the entire time. The manager even apologized and made a few of the other staff members come over and apologize to me for their behavior. Moral of the story: don't mess with feisty maid of honor Adrianne!

Thrown in: a picture of a bridesmaid dress that didn't make the cut! I looked like a 7 year old flower girl!!


Other than that, New York was a blast! I will continue this update with Part 2 tomorrow with more pictures from the sight seeing as well as sharing what purchase I splurged on as my only souvenir from the trip! (Hint: I knew that Patricia Field store would be the death of my budget!)